I find that I am inextricably drawn to writing - to putting my thoughts onto paper (or rather onto the screen). I do not necessarily have full length novels inside me, or have anything to say which will be of value to others, but I have a need to express myself. Hence the next series of blog posts.
I am a member of Toastmasters International so some of what I want to say can be voiced there, but that is too polite a platform for me to share some of the less gentile shit I have to say.
We will start, I think, with a prepared speech I did a short while back - something which I really enjoyed researching and sharing with my TM group. I am currently working on my next one - and in fact at 03:39 this morning was mindmapping the hell out of it (I am pretty damn tired, let me tell you). The next one will be a little more serious - the topic is rejection and therefore doesn't lend itself to much happiness - but this one is more lighthearted and fun. Hope you enjoy it.
Mom – Words
of Wisdom or Waffle?
This
face! [*major face scrunching happening*] This is the face I was terrified
of being left with. My mom told me never
ever to pull funny faces or stick your tongue out at people because if the wind
happened to change as you were doing so, the face you were pulling would remain. Imagine the terror! The little girl down the road pulls your pony
tail and all you want to do is stick your tongue out at her or give her a big
fat raspberry but you are too scared to do so in case the wind changes.
There were
many of these wisdoms imparted by my mom and gran as I was growing up. Eat your carrots Tracy, they are good for
your eyes. Have you ever seen a rabbit
with glasses? No more television Tracy,
you will get square eyes. No, Tracy, you
may not swim for at least half an hour after eating as you will sink straight
to the bottom and drown.
There are
other tales which make absolutely no sense whatsoever. For example, never ever eat food directly out
of a pot because it will rain on your wedding day. Not because it’s bad manners, but because it
will rain! Eat all of your food, because
there are starving people in Biafra. Who has even heard of Biafra for heaven’s
sake, and aside from anything else what are you going to do with my
leftovers? Send them by airmail to said
starving persons? Why, if it is raining
and sunny at the same time is it a monkey’s wedding? Did the monkey eat directly from the
pot?
If your left
palm itches, do not scratch it and you will receive money. Ooookay.
Never sing at the table or while eating, as you will go mute. Again, not because it’s bad manners or
because you might end up spitting your food out during a particularly vigorous
aria! Heaven forbid you come across a toad
and be inclined to stroke it. Warts will
sprout! It’s bad luck to open an
umbrella indoors. Bad luck for the guy
who’s eye gets poked out, yes!
These
sayings are often referred to as old wives tales, many of which have –
shockingly - proven to be false. Our
good friend Wikipedia says that old wives tales were and are often used to discourage
unwanted behaviour, especially in children. Reference to old wives tales can be found as
far back as 1611 in the King James Bible, where the Apostle Paul refers to old
wives fables.
Some of
these tales are pretty harmless and as indicated are simply to discourage bad
behaviour. Others are down right
scary. Don’t step on pavement cracks as you might break your granny's back, or if that's not bad enough bears will appear out of nowhere and devour you! If you do something
harmful to someone, your hands will stick out of your grave. If you meet a hunchback while walking alone,
it’s a bad omen. If you swallow a watermelon seed, a watermelon will grow in
your belly.
Isn’t it
funny how the things our parents said to us as children end up shaping the
adults and parents we become? And of
course how often have you heard yourself channel your mom when talking to a
child! I, as an adult, still try to
avoid pulling faces at people unless absolutely necessary and I always, always
eat my carrots! The only time I will get
into the water after a meal is when it’s into a nice deep bubble bath and I
never ever play with fire, lest I pee in my bed. I do, however, sing at the
table with wild abandon and occasionally eat out of the pot – just for tasting
purposes, you understand. I avoid
wearing my underwear inside out, even though it is supposedly good luck,
because what if I am in an accident?
I do sort of believe that one should never walk under a ladder, and if a black cat crosses your path you might be in for a little bad luck. However, if there is no other way but under the ladder, well what is a person to do? And maybe the black cat is just on the trail of the chicken who crossed the road and means you no harm whatsoever. Perhaps the bird that pooped on your shoulder simply pooped on your shoulder.
The dilemma
we are left with is what to believe. My
personal feeling is that you do with these sayings what you would do with
anything in life - take and use what works for you, and discard that which
isn’t. Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit.
